I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE HERE AND I DON’T CARE,

I DO MY THING REGARDLESS

A performative writing reframement of the performance

If you look closely you will see me by Charlotta Grimfjord Cederblad

I am prepared.

I have set up all my things.

I have given myself tasks.

I am in place.

I have started.

You can come.

I will be in this room for a long time.

I sit with my back against you.

I allow you to see me.

But only in the way I want.

I control your gaze.

I control where you look and what you see.

I want you to see me.

I have invited you here.

You can stay as long as you like.

I want you to stay.

Don’t stay too long.

It’s not meant for you stay too long.

You can come and leave as you please.

I want you to leave.

I want you to come back.

I want you to leave.

Leave.

I can’t see you.

I don’t want to see you.

I don’t know if you’re here and I don’t care, I do my thing regardless.

I tell you about myself.

I want you to feel things when I tell you about myself.

But I only tell you what I want you to know.

I can control that.

But I can’t control what you feel.

I can’t control what you think of me.

I can’t control how you percieve me and my body.

I wonder what you think when I take my clothes off.

I know I shouldn’t do it too quickly, that looks stressful and uninteresting.

But I also don’t want you to consider me an object of desire.

You probably will.

But that’s not why I’m changing costumes.

I’m trying to tell something here, something important.

I don’t hurry my actions, yet time goes fast.

Hour by hour passes by.

I have been in here for a long time.

I keep track of the time.

I know you have been here too.

I know that you have seen me.

I haven’t seen you but I have heard you.

You make noices and I hear them.

I’m very aware of everything that’s happening in this room.

I’m very concentrated.

I play music for you.

I have good taste in music.

I’m confident about the selection I’ve made.

It suits what I’m doing.

I speak.

I hear my own voice in the microphone.

I see myself in the camera display.

I make coffe and drink it.

I make food and eat it.

I try to be funny.

It works, I hear you giggle.

I like it.

Sometimes I get up.

Always with my back against you.

Never allowing you to see me, but at the same time you can see me.

I take my time.

I don’t rush through things to please you.

I do this for me.

I do this for you.

Sometimes you leave.

I don’t care.

I do my thing regardless.

But I also care.

I want you to stay.

I want you to watch me.

I talk about the future.

I fantasize about it.

I fantasize about the future me.

I fantasize about being the last one.

Maybe I really have become the last one.

Maybe I have become the future.

Maybe I’m all alone.

Maybe nobody’s here but me.

But if you’re still here, I want you to leave.

I mean it.

I did all my tasks.

I’ve finished.

It’s over.

It’s time for you to leave.

I really want you to leave.

Leave.